I am working my way through a book on writing named The Right to Write. It is by Julia Cameron. I have been enjoying reading her thoughts and working through the exercises at the end of each section.
The most recent section I read is titled “Valuing Our Experiences”. The opening paragraphs say: “We do not see our size. We do not view ourselves with accuracy. We are far larger, far more marvelous, far more deeply and consistently creative than we recognize or know. We do not credit ourselves with what it is we can - and often do - accomplish. We are blind to our gifts; we are deaf to our voice. We do not hear our magnitude. Why is this?” The exercise at the end of this section is to take a piece of paper and number from one to fifty. Beside each number we are to write something we are proud of about ourselves. She says this should take about an hour. Sounds fairly simple, right?
Wrong. Oh. So. Wrong. At the end of an hour I had 22 things written down. And, I had been sitting, stuck, for a few minutes by that time. I finally wrote this note at the top of the page: “This is a work-in-progress. It will take a while. I will add to it as I continue to live my life.” I am close to 54 years old and I couldn’t think of 50 things I am proud of about me.
There are a couple of ways to look at or explain this. I could say that I haven’t done much to be proud of. Unfortunately, that is the way I see my life at times. Sometimes, I honestly don’t feel that I have accomplished much, especially when my life is considered in juxtaposition to others’. But, even if there is some truth to this, I know it isn’t the whole truth.
The second way I can explain this is that I have been consciously trained over the course of my life to think less of myself. This has been accomplished in a couple of ways. One is that I have been told by my parents (my mother in particular) that I am not enough. My mother wanted a boy and was disappointed when she had a girl. I was never pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough or hard working enough or compliant enough for her (and through her, for my father.) Through this “not being enough” I learned that I was not worth much, not valuable as a person. (I am not crying 'poor pitiful me' by saying this, and, my relationship with my mom and dad is better now. But the messages that I have received over the years are deeply embedded and have a profound impact on my thinking and beliefs about myself even now.)
Another way I was taught to “think less of myself” is that, as an adult, I was involved for several years in a church that was diligent to teach/preach/press/exhort/etc. that we human beings are worthless. We are sinful and rotten to the core. We are worms. (We even sang a song that contained the line “that He would give His only Son for such a worm as I…”) There is NO good in us. We have nothing to be proud of and if we think we do, then we need an adjustment in our thinking. It was extraordinarily debilitating to listen to this week after week. And, I didn't hear it only on Sundays, but also during the week at Care Group (weekly small group meetings) as well as in many casual conversations. And, in case that wasn’t enough, if you lacked a Y chromosome (as I do), then it was worse. You see, women are worth even less than men. I’m not sure how one can be worth less than a worm, but women are. This church subscribed to the Patriarchal Society world view and taught and lived it diligently.
This teaching from the church, added to my already low view of myself over the course of my life, has created a huge black hole where my valid feelings of self worth and self esteem and even self acceptance should be. It has brought me to the place where, tonight, I couldn’t even think of 50 things to be proud of about myself and my life. Now, you need to know that this wasn’t a totally new revelation that happened tonight. I have known for quite a while that my beliefs and feelings about myself are skewed and desperately need to be changed. The exercise from the book just brought it home in a forceful way once again.
I have been working diligently the past few years to correct these feelings and beliefs where they are wrong. and do something about them where they are right. I no longer allow my parents to speak into my life in such a way that it has the potential to hurt me. Our relationship is shallower now than in the past, but it is also much more pleasant and “doable” over the long haul. I am no longer in the church that was so toxic, but the roots from the teaching planted there are deep and I am still digging and pulling and chopping at them to kill them off for good. I am trying to be kinder and gentler with myself when the feelings of being worthless descend. (I try and look at whatever the situation is through the lens of truth and not past false teachings and messages.) And, I am trying to look at the future as an opportunity to live my life as I feel called to live it, not as someone or something outside of me expects me to.
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